things are looking up

last night was….. i can’t even describe it.

i can say that dana and i are patching things up. this whole mess has really made me realize a lot.

i’ve been with dana for over a year now. anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that things kind of fall into a groove over time. the conversations don’t last for hours. the sweet things you do start to trickle down. things that used to be always noticed tend to become just a part of the routine.

dana and i fell victim to that over the past few months. i think due to many influences in both of our lives, our relationship together took a back seat to a lot of other things.

and there was my classic guy-like childishness about the future. anyone who has been in a long-term relationship also knows that you start to get the “when are you getting married?” question more and more frequently. i would always brush it off with an answer putting even the thought of it many years in the distance.

and then came my fuck-up.

this past week has been the longest. week. of. my. life. many moments were spent thinking and analyzing. this is nothing new — i tend to over-analyze to the extreme. this time around, though, my mind was productive. i came to a surprising realization…

i love her

not in the “i enjoy spending time with her and miss her when she’s not around” sense. no, not that. i mean in the “this woman is my everything” sort of way.

i could not let that die. i will not let that die.

dana and i are back together, and i have such a clearer image of things now. i’m shamed that it took such circumstances to slap me in the face and tell me to pay fucking attention.

i can’t promise that everything is going to be magically perfect. i can say with a passionate certainty that i will not make the mistake i made again. i hurt her. i hurt myself. i am having a very hard time forgiving myself for it all.

i can also promise that she is in my thoughts. always. this is nothing new — it’s just something i’m more aware of.

i love you, dana.