fake boobs suck

many, many, many….  many…. moons ago, i wrote a dissertation on why i felt that fake boobs sucked.  i used to have lots of time to write things back then.  it seemed funny at the time.  it still is funny, but for a completely different set of reasons.

a friend slash almost ex co worker was wayback-machining a few sites while visiting last night, which ultimately led to the find.

enjoy.

fake boobs suck

i believe that fake boobs suck.  seriously.  they do.  after reading this,
i’m quite certain that you will agree.  at this point i’m sure you’re
wondering "gee matt, why do you think that fake boobs suck?  i mean
really, bigger is better right?"  well, no.  don’t get me wrong here – i
like big boobies.  but i also like a nice natural
texture.  mmmmmm….  texture……..  i’ve never
felt a fake boob (that i know of), but i’ve seen them on horrid bad low
budget porn.  when a chic is laying down, her boobs should flatten out
some.  that’s natural.  i like natural.  but, fake boobs stick out.  they
just stay up and look too rounded.  obviously fake.

that’s why i started this site.  me and a friend were flipping through
some channels on a satellite system when we came across porn.  of course
we had to stop and enjoy the display of pure harcore lesbian action that
was colorfully presented in digital quality.  then i saw the boobs.  they
just seemed so…  unnatural?  yeah, that’s the best word i can think of
to describe the horror.  i pity the woman for investing in such a terrible
thing.  big isn’t good when it’s nasty big.  i rather have some nice
naturally textured yet average sized breastestes than some big but overly
bubblish and round ugly boobs. 

seriously guys.  if you’re a female, and you’re considering placing sacks
of fluid in your small but firm breasts, think twice.  that’s just
nasty.  don’t be fake.  i’m sure you’re hot just the way you are, and most
men still want to have sex with you even if your breasts aren’t as big as
the nasty porn stars with round stanky tits.  don’t get a boob job!  fake
boobs suck!  real boobs are nice!  men will want to lick them and play
with them.  if they’re fake, dudes will most likely be horrified at the
bizarre nature of your breasts.  what if they squeeze to hard and you
leak?  you could probably say it’s lactation, but trust me – that won’t
fly. 

not only do real boobs simply look better, but you should be happy with
your natural self.  even if you have tiny little nubbins for breasts,
there are many guys who find that attractive.  hell, i don’t even
care!  i’m not much of a boob man.  also, it’s been proven that the
smaller the boobs, the nicer the ass.  so chances are you have a fantastic
grabbable ass.

also, they’re dangerous.  having fake boobs is dangerous, and makes you a
stank ho.  so you really want to be a stank ho?  i know i wouldn’t like to
be called a stank ho.  that’s why i don’t have fake boobs.  well, that and
i’m a guy.  but guys could get fake boobs.  watch fight club.  meat loaf
had some big titties.  but that’s just wrong.

points to remember:

i don’t like fake boobies

i like big boobies

fake boobies are bad

they’re ugly too

when laying down, your boobs should flatten

if they don’t, they’re fake

if they’re fake, that sucks ass

i don’t have fake boobs

no boobs means nice ass

fake boobs make you a stank ho

fake boobs suck

please note that this is a horrible attempt at being funny while at the
same time making it clear that i really don’t like fake boobs.