mattopia

jenn’s here tonight. yay. like i need more tension in this house.

the lyrics of a beatles song. missy sent this to me:

your day breaks

your mind aches

you find that all her words of kindness linger on

when she no longer needs you

she wakes up

she makes up

she takes her time and doesn’t feel she has to hurry

she no longer needs you

and in her eyes you see nothing

no sign of love behind the tears

cried for no one

a love that should of lasted years

you want her

you need her

and yet you don’t believe her

when she says her love is dead, you think she needs you

you stay home

she goes out

she says that long ago she knew someone

but now he’s gone, she doesn’t need him

and in her eyes you see nothing

no sign of love behind the tears

cried for no one

a love that should of lasted years

your day breaks

your mind aches

there will be times when all the things you said will fill your head

you won’t forget her

2:30pm and still haven’t done anything productive today. watched another episode of the x-files, read some poetry, stared briefly at the pile of clothes still to be tried on.

what next? meeting up with allison to buy her a cd writer. and hopefully some food. i’m damn hungry.

joelle said she might be interested in doing something tonight after work. unfortunately, i don’t know what to suggest.

i wouldn’t mind seeing a movie, but don’t know if the usual ‘dinner and a movie’ type thing would be appropriate.

mail me some suggestions for non-drunken-stupor non-clubbing non-barhopping things to do in toledo.

my friend allison said it best last night while on the phone with me… magic isn’t something that develops over time. it’s something you feel instantly.

unfortunately i haven’t felt the magic she refers to in years. can i be sure that’s just not a high school first love puppy dog type thing?

i love days off, especially when they fall on a saturday. so much to do! i called a really nice apartment place to only find no vacancies. but, that’s only one of many.

missy sent me some very personal stuff that she had written. it does offer some further explanation into her thoughts and feelings, and definitely makes her seem more complex than i had imagined.

i hope everyone enjoys buddy christ, who now has a permanent home on my main page.

let it be noted that i have found love in the past and let it slip through my fingers, so now it seems i’m screwed and destined never to advance past the friends stage with anyone.

and damnit, i’m not trying to rush love – i know exactly what you’re thinking.

let it also be noted that seasons 1 and 2 of the x-files on dvd are calling my name in my living room, begging to assist me in vegging out.

letting go
lyrics by natalie bonelli
performed by sozzi

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night
you know that we needed
some time and space to breathe

i still recall the words you said to me
it’s what you did not say that sets me free
now how can i find peace of mind
when you keep coming back again
it’s not ok for you to play
this game of see-saw with my head

now it hurts too much
and it hits too hard
and i won’t play this part

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night
you know that we needed
some time and space to breathe

so now i say the things i want to say
sometimes it’s better letting go this way
i’ll always know down in my soul
we really had so far to go
i’ve given all i had to give
and now it’s time for me to live

and i won’t look back
and i won’t regret
though hurts like hell
someday i will forget

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night
you know that we needed
some time and space to breathe

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night
you know that we needed
some time and space to breathe

to say that you’ve been thinkin’
cause i know it’s just the drink in you

it’s funny how we seem to end up here
i never thought i’d see this soul disappear

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night
you know that we needed
some time and space to breathe

and this is letting go
this is letting go
and this is letting go
this is letting go

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night
you know that we needed
some time and space to breathe

don’t call me
don’t write
don’t show up in the middle of the night

to say that you’ve been thinkin’
cause i know it’s just the drink in you

i shall re-define immaturity as used below.

immaturity – not having the capacity, be it lack of emotional growth, young age, or in a certain someone’s case, past events, to comprehend and understand and comprehend something correctly at all levels.

missy and myself just had another fight. big surprise. and as usual, it’s related to her immaturity and my need for stability.

i’ve had enough. i told her to back off. i’m doing the same.

how many times in the past have i told myself this? why can’t i find someone nice who doesn’t dick me around? and, why doesn’t anyone fucking understand me? why am -i- made out to be the complex one?

funny how it’s now awkward, as she says, when i spend the night, even though we both know nothing’s going to happen. i’m certainly not driving all the way back to toledo saturday night then all the way back to port clinton the next day.

perhaps i’ll stay the night at my mom’s. too bad it’s ‘awkward’.

just thought of an interesting topic – am i a pessimist, realist, or optimist?

i would say that i act like a pessimistic realist, but think like an optimist with a hint of second-guessing realism.